Thursday, April 21, 2005


On this past Saturday, I got a phone call from my sister, telling me that my grandpa got into the hospital a few hours ago, dangerously low blood pressure got him in an ambulance. She said that my uncle (who usually is around my grandparents a lot) was close to tears as he was calling her. We agreed to get plane tickets for flights leaving our perspective towns at the earliest time possible.

I had just moved, and this is not the kind of stuff that I needed, but who's really in control of all this anyways? I frantically looked for plane tickets and finally found one leaving at 6 in the morning and with a military discount. It was already close to one in the morning, I was tearing up too. The gf was looking and I'm sure feeling helpless for me too. I cried for a bit and told her that I wasn't ready to see him go, who is?

Didn't get much sleep that night, arrived at the airport, met up with my sister, and rushed towards the hospital. Grandpa was in intensive care unit, and he was all tubed up from breathing tubes, IV lines, to catheters in his groin area. I've never seen him so helpless. His eyes couldn't even open because he was so weak. How did it all get so bad? I just talked to him on the phone a day earlier, he sounded weak but was hanging in there.

He had over 8 doctors of different specialities examine him, and no one really has any answers on why he was ill. All they could do is treat whatever symptoms that comes up. I think his will is very strong, I've seen him attempt to communicate, and struggle to open his eyes. All the members of the family pulled different shifts to be in ICU with him, then taking turns taking care of grandma, who has been freaking out (rationally or irrationally), and getting boxed lunches for those pulling their shifts in the hospital. That means not a lot of sleep for anyone and lots of over-flavored Chinese foods.

Everyone was frustrated but did their best to get along, however, I could no longer stand one of my aunt's (not the one that I grew up with) negative atttitudes towards me and the general scenario of trying to take care of the folks, so instead of exploding in front of her face, I wrote her a serious letter, asking her to cut the crap out, that no one is asking her to be anyone's best friend, but could she just be more mature about this whole thing. I had withstood her attitude over the years but it's getting ridiculous, you know?

I felt afraid, tired, and not knowing what to do all at the same time. Questioning my relationships with family, friends,and gf, and wondering if I should just be a hermit, drop out of life for a while and then start again.

Yet, looking at grandpa and how he's fighting for his life, there are still some things worthwhile and in a way, I know at least what some of them are.

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