Tuesday, April 26, 2005

So far....

Had a fairly quiet weekend, did the grocery shopping thing, the movie thing ("Kung-Fu Hustle" kinda funny, you should go and see it!), some heart to heart time with the GF (she said that I was being a lot like her in the stuff that I had been thinking about. I just wasn't sure if I could do the emotional support thing for her much anymore, if I wasn't doing a good job from before.), and we closed the weekend with a meeting with the gal that I had messed with while I was in Iraq! She just came back from a four-week training in California and was stopping by the post to pick up some stuff for her uniform.

Amazingly, the GF was cool with it, and I guess that gal was too. She met my pets, saw the new apt., chit chatted about her new boyfriend that she swore was "the one", and all the time I was curious about how the GF thought of her and vise versa. I think the GF would rather me not ever talk to her again, and that just may be what would happen, changes in life and passage of time would take care of that. I didn't think that being mean was the way to go.

It has been diffucult lately, we just moved, and I was gone again to see my folks, and it's just so damn easy to become ultra-sensitive about all things. I'd like to sleep for a week straight, veg out with the GF and the pets, talking about anything but the sensitive topics that have no easy answers, and just go on from there.

Friday, April 22, 2005


* It should be butt-nekked.

* Both (or however many partners you'd prefer at once) should have been showered and clean, none of that heavily perfumed shit.

* Sweat should only be for afterwords.

* Stupid shit should not be uttered during sex, sometimes, "ohhs, and ahhhhs" would do fine.

* If you are not done, and she (or he) is, go ahead and jack off.

* Never attempt any positions that you are not flexible enough or in shape for.

* Keep the farting to a minimum.

* Scented candles, scented candles!

* "Oh you are so big!" should be uttered only at the right moments.

* Hands, hands are very important.

* No excessive spit.

* Please brush and gargle before, not after.

* Make sure that positionally speaking, you two (or three or four) are in agreement.

* Lube!

* Make sure your toys are fun and can pack some punches! (not literally, but the stronger the viberation, the better it is.)

* Ventilation, very important for oral sex performance. (If you don't want to pass out.)

* There's nothing wrong with either dick or pussy.

* Don't forget to snuggle afterwards!

Thursday, April 21, 2005


On this past Saturday, I got a phone call from my sister, telling me that my grandpa got into the hospital a few hours ago, dangerously low blood pressure got him in an ambulance. She said that my uncle (who usually is around my grandparents a lot) was close to tears as he was calling her. We agreed to get plane tickets for flights leaving our perspective towns at the earliest time possible.

I had just moved, and this is not the kind of stuff that I needed, but who's really in control of all this anyways? I frantically looked for plane tickets and finally found one leaving at 6 in the morning and with a military discount. It was already close to one in the morning, I was tearing up too. The gf was looking and I'm sure feeling helpless for me too. I cried for a bit and told her that I wasn't ready to see him go, who is?

Didn't get much sleep that night, arrived at the airport, met up with my sister, and rushed towards the hospital. Grandpa was in intensive care unit, and he was all tubed up from breathing tubes, IV lines, to catheters in his groin area. I've never seen him so helpless. His eyes couldn't even open because he was so weak. How did it all get so bad? I just talked to him on the phone a day earlier, he sounded weak but was hanging in there.

He had over 8 doctors of different specialities examine him, and no one really has any answers on why he was ill. All they could do is treat whatever symptoms that comes up. I think his will is very strong, I've seen him attempt to communicate, and struggle to open his eyes. All the members of the family pulled different shifts to be in ICU with him, then taking turns taking care of grandma, who has been freaking out (rationally or irrationally), and getting boxed lunches for those pulling their shifts in the hospital. That means not a lot of sleep for anyone and lots of over-flavored Chinese foods.

Everyone was frustrated but did their best to get along, however, I could no longer stand one of my aunt's (not the one that I grew up with) negative atttitudes towards me and the general scenario of trying to take care of the folks, so instead of exploding in front of her face, I wrote her a serious letter, asking her to cut the crap out, that no one is asking her to be anyone's best friend, but could she just be more mature about this whole thing. I had withstood her attitude over the years but it's getting ridiculous, you know?

I felt afraid, tired, and not knowing what to do all at the same time. Questioning my relationships with family, friends,and gf, and wondering if I should just be a hermit, drop out of life for a while and then start again.

Yet, looking at grandpa and how he's fighting for his life, there are still some things worthwhile and in a way, I know at least what some of them are.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The tale of two bitches

As most of you probably already knew, I was raised by my paternal grandparents, followed by a few years of living with my aunt (my father's younger sister), and uncle (her husband). In my recollection, life was pretty peaceful with my grandparents, and life with aunt and uncle was a whole other matter. I had always admired my aunt from when I was a little girl, I was born when she was in high school and since she was my mother's age, some people had mistaken us for mother and daughter. Something happened over the years and she became a picky and domineering woman, and my primary memory from the age of 10 to about 17, (I had also lived for 2 years in between with my father and stepmother, who really should have not become parents to start with.)I remember the daily yellings and lots of that psychological manipulation stuff. She dominated me and my uncle, and my uncle and I are cordial, but we were never close to began with.

I finally moved out to goto college, thus ending that part of my life with her. Don't get me wrong, she had all the best intentions, she just pushed me too hard from time to time. She's now in her 50's and has a son of her own since I left to goto college, he's an smart and active 15 year old. She works in the textile industry and has her one woman ran business. I don't know how big or how profitable her business is, but it frequently takes her to Southeast Asia for business. She's so ambitious that I don't think she'll retire any time soon.

My uncle, her younger brother, always have been the smartest and upright kid of his pack, did just about everything right, except that he married this seemingly sweet woman who basically turned out to be a total bitch. Maybe he had married the type that he fancied, someone masochistic always seems to want someone sadistic to be their partner. She was a Vietnamese immigrant from a large family, met my uncle while they were both graduate students, and married in the mid-80's. At first she was pretty sweet, then something happened, as if she had forgotten that a typical Asian family is, in nature, a large family with all 3-4 generations present and living in close proximity. Maybe she got sick of the fact that my grandparents chose to live nearby and wanted to be involved in their kids lives, who really knows why. She got bitter and angry over the years and even though she didn't yet lash out, with the ways that she carried herself around my uncle side of the family, she might as well have.

When my grandpa got ill, my aunt flew down for a week to help and take care of him. There were a lot of tension between her and my uncle, over what the best care was for grandpa, and it really helped when my uncle wife would occasionally cry out "Why me? What did I do to deserve caring for this family?" In reality, it has been my uncle, her long-suffering husband, who has been taking care of the folks, bringing home the pay so she didn't have to go and find a job, and shuttling the kids from and to school and all the activities that they do. (To tell you the truth, my cousins, all three of them, ages range from 11 to 16, couldn't stand to lift a finger either to help their dad out.) I can only imagine how my aunt was feeling at that point. You see, my aunt, after having pissed off so many people, business associates, family and friends alike, will not hesitate to get into a full-fledge fight with her sister-in law. I only hope that when they do duke it out, it'll not be in front of the grandparents or my uncle.

Maybe they are just what each other needs, one to vent and the other to take.

It also kind of makes me afraid to have kids sometimes, am I going to raise them mostly Chinese or American? Am I going to pressure my kids to take care of me if I fell ill or have gotten really, really old? Or do I want us to be in a nursing home, with other old folks like us, that'll probably feel like we're back in college again...dormatory style living, all over again! Hopefully, by then we'll be so deep into our amnesia or alzheimers to really care!

My thoughts are with my grandparents.

Friday, April 08, 2005


As of yesterday afternoon, we're all packed, the movers came and loaded our earthly posessions onto a 18 wheeler, stuffed the cat into the cage (they are so going to kill us later!), and packed the dog in GF's car and off we went.

Boy am I going to miss Austin! Even though this city has been poor in job opportunities and rich in flaky people, you can't beat the warm weather, the food (oh yeah!), and its various interesting aspects. A friend of mine from my Iraq days came to say hello. It was kind of weird time, he was on a cross-country trip, kind of a reward/job search trip upon his retirement from the army. He's rather young for someone who is retiring (38), and is about to pull his hair out because he thought that getting a job would be easy upon retirement, after all, the war on terror is still going on, and he being ex-military, would be game for any defense contracting firm. The thing is, he was either too busy or unwilling to pick up additional skills aside from driving a tank, and chasing girls, so he's having a hard time now.

It's funny, he didn't have that much of fun in Iraq, since his girl chasing reputation preceeded him. For a while, he had a crush on my then roommate in Iraq, unfortunatly, his devotion did not yield to what he had wanted. He's a self-confessed pervert, but that was what was so enduring about him, at least he was honest about it. He told me over coffee that he thought that I was a bit of a prude when it came to that area....I just laughed. You see, one doesn't always have to be downloading porn all the time in order to be a perv. It was good to see him, between all the worries about jobs and frustration, I wish for all the best for him!

I also, through my friend, got to talk to another friend of mine from Iraq. She was a postal clerk there, and she came back to the reserves after about a 15 year break. Kind of interesting, like myself, she's not very military at all. A 47 year old free spirit, and a vegan, we had fun making fun of things and sometimes other people. She had kept in touch with my other friend but couldn't get in touch with me because she did not have my information. When I finally got to talk to her, I found out that she wasn't doing well. The war has affected her so much that now she's on antidepressants, and in counseling. It sucks but at least she's making an effort to help herself better.

My grandfather has become quite ill, and so far no one really knows why he's ill. His doctor thought that he had a stroke, but a brainscan found out that it wasn't true. Guesses included diabetes, chemical inbalance, etc. He's in a stupor all the time, cannot stay awake, doesn't really want to eat, and also cannot walk. I'm pretty worried about him. I know that he's pretty old and falling apart physically is part of the deal, but nevertheless, it's still pretty hard to accept. I really hope he feels better soon.

I've got to somehow buckle down and get back to work, unpack, and make our lives in a strange new place again. I have no idea how it'll all turn out, I hope that it'll be good though.